I had, for almost a decade, lamented the fact that I was so alone in life. I don’t have a friend group. I don’t have a spouse. The totality of my living family is five persons. I saw a lot of my colleagues and acquaintances finding “love” at various stages of their lives, and I very much wanted to find a partner.
There was a certain woman at my work. I’ll spare all of us the embarrassing details of the flirtation, but we did become involved in some kind of relationship.
Now, I was at a part of my life where I was also searching for some level of spirituality, which is really a further extension of my desire to find meaning in my life through connection. I was exploring Buddhism, but I was not an adherent to any particular set of beliefs or religious traditions.
Over the course of our conversations, this woman told me that she was a “Christian” and I should have known by the way she said it, that her actual understanding of Christianity was some kind of weird American Evangelicalism. She was obsessed with personal, cultural, and political purity.
That woman was a cheat, a thief, and a liar. She was primarily concerned with how she was perceived by the people at the church she was attending (a Freewill Baptist Church) and not at all concerned with her faith or obedience to Christ. She worshipped at the altar of human approval.
I did not become a Christian myself until several years after that relationship had exploded. That experience taught me a few things about myself and my relationship with religion. I learned that I was just a solitary person; I do not need anybody to “complete me,” and all my attempts to fit a societal expectation were actually the source of my loneliness and frustration. Also, about my church life, I learned to seek truth in doctrinal orthodoxy. I don’t want to worship my nation, my self or the perceptions of other people.
It’s time for work. maybe I’ll expend on this at a later time.
Peace be with you.
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