Awesomely Bad Movies

Tusk? Please, Kevin Smith, not another walrus


For reasons I may never truly understand, ParticleShock Actual decided my life wouldn’t be complete without witnessing the cinematic masterpiece that is “Tusk”. Unfortunately for me though, he was completely right. As many movies as I’ve seen, (more than I care to admit), I will most likely never see another movie quite as… groundbreaking? No no that definitely isn’t the right word. Innovative? That doesn’t seem to be it either… I’ll figure it out by the end of the post I’m sure.

Tusk is based on “Actual Events”.

Tusk is a 2014 horror/thriller film written and directed by Kevin Smith. Based on real events. The story follows a popular pod-caster named Wallace Bryton (Justin Long), who journeys to Canada to interview a viral video star. Wallace’s plans change upon arriving at the kids house, as the “Kill Bill Kid” has killed himself. Not wanting to leave our neighbor up north empty-handed, he responds to an ad hanging above a bar urinal. Upon his arrival at the house, he meets the rather dapper Howard Howe (Michael Parks). After hearing a couple of remarkable stories, Wallace passes out from the drugged tea he had been drinking. Waking up in a wheelchair, Wallace discovers that his leg was amputated in the middle of the night. Howe explains that he had been bitten by a Brown Recluse, and there was no other alternative. In an amazing twist that will shock very few, Howe isn’t exactly as wonderful as he might have appeared at first, being only slightly obsessed with the very embodiment of movie majesty, the walrus. Perhaps the greatest line in all of cinema is said at this point, but I’ll be damned if I spoil it for you.

“You will be a walrus, or you’ll be nothing at all.”

Things happen, phone calls are made, and Wallace’s girlfriend Ally (Génesis Rodríguez), and his best friend/co-host Teddy (Haley Joel Osment) fly up to Canada to find him. After talking to local police, they are put in contact with a homicide detective, Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp), who has been hunting a serial killer. Lapointe explains everything he knows about the killer, and what this might mean for Wallace. In the meantime though, Wallace is having a very bad day. I believe around this time in the film the second greatest line in any film ever made is delivered. This one however I will give you, since you’ve read this far. “If you wish to continue living, you will be a walrus, or you’ll be nothing at all.” As much as I’d like too, I can’t in good conscience give away the ending of the movie. I promise it won’t be one you’ll ever forget.

In my humble opinion, this is Kevin Smiths crown jewel. It easily overshadows Clerks as well as Jay and Silent Bob, leaving me to wonder how he hasn’t won an Oscar. This is an absolute must see for those weekends when nothing else is on. It’s weird, it’s thrilling, it’s funny, it’s… it’s… Oh I’ve figured out that word. Bad.

But awesomely so.