‘LifeForce’ with Steve Railsback and Mathilda May.

LifeForce is an awesomely bad sci-fi film from 1985. It’s based on the 1976 book Space Vampires by Colin Wilson. I’ve never read it, but I can only hope its better than this movie.

The Plot? A joint US/UK space mission investigating Haley’s comet discovers a huge alien spacecraft concealed in the comet’s coma. The crew, not wanting to miss an opportunity which only comes once every 75 years decides to board the alien craft where they discover the desiccated bodies of giant bat like aliens.

The alien craft begins to demonstrate signs of activity but the crew decided to continue exploring anyway and soon discover the bodies of three naked humanoids in some type of suspended animation. The captain of the mission immediately feels an overwhelming attraction to the female. That’s it. That’s the segue to the next scene. The Captain feels an IRRESISTIBLE attraction the frozen space girl … Cut. Fade to back. Next scene.

The next thing you know (because it’s the next scene in the movie) ground control has lost contact with major Tom and the Space Shuttle Columbia is dispatched a rescue mission. OMG! There’s been a fire! Fire in space is beautiful and extremely dangerous. The entire crew is dead but guess what? The three naked aliens in their crystal cryo-capsules are aboard and seemingly unharmed. Right then, Better take those aliens back to Earth, where they could never pose a serious threat to humanity.

So the space girl has great tits … and is also some kind of freakish energy vampire. Predictably, she escapes the ultra security wing of the SRC (by SRC I mean ‘Space Research Center’ and by ultra security, I mean one sleepy security guard and a set of unlocked double doors ). Before you know it, there has been an outbreak of SPACE VAMPIRISM! London is screwed, like 28 Days Later screwed.

Oh, the captain from the original space mission managed to escape his burning shuttle and land safely back on earth in the shuttle’s escape capsule. Didn’t you know about the escape capsules aboard US space shuttles? Apparently they always keep a single Liberty Bell 7 style command module aboard the shuttle in case a single survivor needs to bail.

Blah blah blah. The humans beat up a British hooker and Jean-Luc Picard, then proceed to fight the space vampire zombies You get the drift.

Highlights? only two: First, Sir Patrick Stewart is in this movie. Second and perhaps more importantly, “Space girl” Is naked for almost the entire movie. That’s it. There is nothing else good about this movie.

One last note. ‘Space Girl’ is exactly how Mathilda May is credited. I guess her character doesn’t even have a name.

Originally Published 09 August 2010

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